What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 16:10
I was scared of men, in general
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
What is the funniest joke you've been told that you still think about to this day?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why do men think I’m easy just by looking at me?
So whats the point in blame.
She was in good health!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But, we were locked up after school.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
What did i know ?
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My life is so biszare .
Is having white skin really that attractive?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
All the time i was locked up.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
What caused the decline of the Soprano crew?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I waited trembling.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We all went to grammer schools
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
How do you get a teenage boy to care about hygiene?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We were not on the streets..
I don,t even have a pension.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He knew the spot.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She found it foreign!.
One cannot live in the past .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Would this be the day?
He resisted the act ,that day.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She wouldn,t have been !
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Comes on , in middle age.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
When she asked me how she looked .
But ive been too sick for many years..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was 9 years of age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I have no regrets .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I said to her
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was seconnd youngest,
So, i spoilt her more .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im still living with it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She married twice! .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Ive learnt so much.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I think the readers, may guess!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She loved him until the end.
I will be 64.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It was going to be , some day.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
(And it was in our own minds.)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My family never makes their pension either.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Who then, do I blame.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i lived it daily.
I was very sick at this time too.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I write beautiful poetry .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Was to survive, this bastard.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is soul school!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.